Saw this happening on TV a couple of days ago. Himesh Reshammiya is supposedly on Ejaz Lakdawala's hit list. It was funny to hear the Don speak himself to the news channel. What a drama!
Now all of us know why these Mumbai-ka-dons (better known as Bhai's) threaten celebrity lives. For money! But I guess in Himesh's case, something else happened:
Don: Hello, Himesh?
Himesh: Yeah, who is this? Look if you are some singer, try approaching me through Indian Idol. I really don't have any time. Don't you know that I am also doing one stupid movie? I really don't have time.
Don: No, I am no singer.
Himesh: Then who are you?
Don: I am Don. I am Ezaz Lakdawala. I kill celebrities for money.
Himesh: Oh, so you need money from me.
Don: No.
Himesh: No? Why did you call me up then.
Don: I wanted to make a request to you.
Himesh: I don't believe it. Ezaz Lakdavaala is making me a request.
Don: Yeah. I am fuckin fed up of your voice. Wherever I go, I find your songs playing. You make nice music, alright but your voice totally sucks. I beg to you. Stop singing. I will give you money for doing that. Tell me your demand.
Himesh: No money can stop me from singing. And I am anyways making enough money, thanks to my God gifted talent (read God gifted nose).
Don: I won't ask again. You are the only celebrity who is getting money from a Don! You dare refuse me.
Himesh: I can pay you some cash. But please let me sing.
Don: I will pay you double of what you can offer. But please, stop singing. Entire India is fed up of you and your nose.
Himesh: I'll prefer dying than not singing. I am sure that many people who kept listening to my voice for a long time must have died a painful death. I guess it's time for me to payback. Kill me if you want to but however much you give to me, I wont stop from torturing the world.
Don: You are a dead man. Right now, at this very moment, I am putting you on top of my hitlist. Sing as many songs as you can, before I save the world from your atrocities. That will be the only good thing I would be doing in my entire life as a Don. I am hanging up now. Gotta call some news channel to give them this happy news. Because I am sure, a lot of people out there will be delighted to know that they wont have to bear you shortly. Chal bye.
Patient (name and address withheld):
My boyfriend of four years loses his cool at the drop of a hat. For instance, he blows his top whenvever he can't reach me over the phone, which of course, is not my fault. Owing to such behaviour, I've started feeling that our relationship is not based on trust. I am confused about what to do in these circumstances. Please help!
Dr. Vatsa:
It could have been a good idea to get a slightly older boyfriend. Four years is kinda too less. Well, but if you don't really wanna go for anyone else, there still are a couple of solutions. To get started, stop dropping hats. Why do you have to wear hats by the way? Are they so cool, eh?
Look girl, being cool is not the onely thing in life. At times you gotta be hot! So please, for rat's sake, don't make his losing cool such a big issue.
And what's wrong in blowing his top? Cummon, he doesn't have boobs right? Let him mess with his top if that's what keeps him calm. And of course it's your fault if he can't reach you on phone when he wants to. You should go ahead and by a new cellphone and get a new sim and keep it 24X7 for him to reach you. Or if this is a costly solution, just keep buying him tops regularly so that he doesn't run short of them. Baby tops come very cheap when bought in bulk.
Your relationship is not based on trust? Of course not. By all means, it is based on your sexual fanatasies of God knows doing what with a four year old baby. You are totally sick. Trust me. If you really are looking for help, you should go to a Church and ask Jesus to wash off your sins. And go get your boy friend of four years admitted to some good school. He will bless you. Jesus shall bless you too.
Never write to me again.
PS: The question was picked from some newspaper's suppliment.
Amrit requested me to put him fundays on how I managed to crack Aish. I thought I would share the gyaan on his blog which is extremely popular amidst the masses, so that many more benefit from it.
Well, the first thing that I had to do was to make her believe that a man has to be tall, dark and handsome. She fell for this trap. I of course was a living testimony to the 'tall' and 'dark' aspects of the story. So the next job was to prove to her that I was 'handsome' as well. I realized that the best way out would be to hide my face as much as possible. So I decided to have as much facial hairs on my face as possible. Somehow the trick worked!
More so Aish feared if I were crazy for her only 'coz of her stunning looks. She was looking for somone to whom beauty meant something more than great face and great boobs. Though frankly speaking, great face and great boobs were the only things I really cared about, I projected myself as though I were an admirer of her intelligence. I would often tell her that only an intelligent woman like her could have decided to stay away from balding, ageing, animal hunters like Salman Khan. And she used to believe me, when the fact is you don't need intelligence to say no to Salman. All you need is animal instinct.
Well, after all the effort that I put, the gain is worth it. She is Aish, damn it. And now she is mine. By the way, Amrit, she has some pretty hot cousins. Want me to introduce them to ya? Lemme know coz I know you are as despo for babes as myself.
Why do they look like they way they look like, the eggs?
They look funny.
You didn't answer me.
So that when you see them, you realize the importance of fun in life!
Fun? When you look at eggs, is that what you realize?
At least when I look at eggs, I don't fuckin wonder why they look like the way they look like.
Geetali, while going through my mush post, wondered when did Akshay Kumar sport a mush! Luckily I found this youtube video which will answer her comment.
By the way after seeing this video, I realized what 'looking like Akshay Kumar' really meant. He looks ugly in here! Babu Luhaar! LOL!
They love me. Check this out.
Act 1
Karthik: What is she talking about da?
Me: What do you mean what is she talking about? Derivatives of course.
Karthik: What are derivatives?
Me: ?? Derivatives are financial instruments, which are derived from some real physical asset and traded in market. The stock market is the best known example of a derivative trading. How could you not know this? You have been studying FM since four sems da!
Act 2
Me: What kinda statement is this: A government security is made up of 'n' government securities...
Karthik: Blah Blah (I have no idea what he explained) How come you don't get it? You have been studying FM since four sems da!
Me: Eh!
Karthik: Tit for Tat
Me: My tit was much better than your tat.
Karthik: Fuck you, even my tits are great.
LOL!!!
composed by Narminators
Here lies a guy who on his first orientation day walks up and makes a speech to his branch mates discouraging them to try for BC. He later admitted that this was a strat for him to eliminate his competition for BC. He ran for Gen sec post of Sarayu and as a part of his campaigning he put up a poster of himself on the notice board with the Question “Who is Amrit Vatsa?”. His love life began on the very first day of college and within one week he became an election candidate. And within a month he got himself a comp. Its safe to say he was off the blocks fast.
He developed an obsession for a certain girl whom we shall call Pepsi and did all sort of outrageous things to woo her like staying back in the winter for the net connection, painting a Mona Lisa version of her, becoming class rep and many other such futile attempts. On coming to our hostel he became a volunteer for every secretary around and soon got a reputation of an enthu putter. He put enthu and found a script for the hostel drams but got bumped himself in the auditions. He bought himself a cheap digi cam sometime in second year and spent all day taking pictures of himself in different poses.
During this time he was slowly developing into one of the finest artists of the insti which got him a design coordship in Shaastra 05 despite not being either a vol or coord for any of the fests prior to that. He would later go on to become Design core for Shaastra 06 . He was also the creative brain behind most of Narmad’s prior events like Fete and hostel nights. He had been again elected Shaastra Design core. His spirit will live on for another year with us. May his soul rest in peace.
When was the last time you ran to your classroom. And by 'ran' I mean ran. On legs.
I open my eyes. My hands grab the Ericsson T230. The half open eyes (or half closed if you like it that way) try to focus on the phone display. It shows 8:37. I panic.
Sir, if I attend all your classes henceforth, will I be crossing the 75% mark?
Have I put up your name in the notice board for shortage of attendance?
I haven't seen that but Yogesh was telling that you announced my name in class along with some others who were falling short of attendance. Shall I go to the notice board and check?
Let me see. Wait. Here, so you had exactly 75% the day I announced. And then you missed three classes consecutively. So let me calculate...... well yes, if you come to all the classes now, you will make exactly 75.
Okay sir. Thank you sir. I will definitely be coming to all the classes.
The scene flashes in front of my eyes. I don't even have any time to decide what to do next. I am sure, my cell phone is at least 7-8 minutes ahead of time. But even if that's the case, it already is almost 8:30. I have no cycle. There is not much time to go out and find one. So I decide to run. And when I say run, I mean 'run'. On legs.
I jump off the bed, find the key in my jeans (luckily I have been crashing in jeans and tee), step out of the room, lock the door and start running. No time to wash face, no time to brush teeth, no time to comb hair. I keep running, climb down the stairs, leave the hostel, pass by Gurunath. I keep running, ignoring the guys staring. I keep running, without even carrying a bag. Empty hands. I pass by the temple, running. After 4 minutes, I hear an approaching bike. I ask for lift, without trying to slow down my pace. The bike stops. I climb over. The bike moves. In a humphing voice, I declare: Civil Eng Dep! Civil Eng Dep? I wonder why I don't call it BSB. Never mind. The bike leaves me near the Elec Dep. My place is close by. I jump off the bike. No time to show gratitude and thank. I am running again. In half a minute, I reach my classroom.
It's empty. I take out the phone. The time is 9:43 8:43. It has taken me 6 minutes to reach this place. And the classroom is empty. There IS no class. Holy Christ!
Some days have a rocking start. Run of the mill start. :)
The weird and not so weird comments on my new facial stunt:
- you look like Akshay Kumar when he kept mustache
- you like Ajay Devgan from Omkara
- you look like a m****c***
- this looks great on you
- you don't look good in mustache
- you look older, remove it
- when did this grow up? why?
- Looking like Bhagat Singh
This cartoon is cute! Isn't it? I think four posters in this series are enough. And I hope guys and girls following my blog will try not to waste food, the next time they take food. And to put it forward in one of those 'filmy ishtyle', I would feel my job is done if my posters are able to change the wasting habit of even one student! :P
Did I ever tell you I love Stewie? Ok, I do love him. He rocks!
Someone suggested me to also come up with some funny posters so that the mess environment becomes a little lively. Well, here's 'fun' for you. I hope the message is still clear. And once again, like the 'Show Respect' campaign, I think I can easily come up with lotsa similar posters.
Naah. This is not one of those PJs which could have been: how are Abdul Kalam and Yamaha connected? In case anyone of you does think that there can be a funny and witty answer to this one, let me know.
Let me begin with Kalam. Read this: Inflation will be controlled, Kalam promises Parliament. Do you find it as funny as I do? Isn't it as odd as saying something like this: An IIT will be opened in Patna, Amrit Vatsa promises Bihar. Or hey, how about this: Osama Bin Laden will be captured, Amitabh Bachchan promises IIT Madras.
Seriously, tell me one thing that Kalam can do to alter inflation rate? But on second thoughts, it was obvious that Kalam couldn't have said this on his own. He cannot. He is the President. The statutory head. A follow up of the article deconstructed the illusion. Kalam was addressing the opening session of Parliament. And he did what a President does. He just read the crap handed to him by the ruling party. Poor chap! :)
This one was a funny sounding headline. The one that I will talk about now belongs to the "stupidly obvious" category. Read this: Yamaha may shut shop if numbers don't improve. Why can't they just say that Yamaha's numbers showing no signs of improvement? Amrit's CGPA might fall down if he doesn't mug. The world knows this. The aliens know this. Everyone knows this. You will die if you don't eat. You know that. The world knows that. The aliens know that. Why do you ever need to write such obvious things as headlines? So that, guys like me can manage to pull off a post on an otherwise fine Saturday morning. :D
Karan: A piece of advice you would give me for my next film?
SRK: Keep me young, unmarried and with kajol and Rani!
LOL!
Watch out for the second season of Koffee with Karan. The launch episode features SRK, Kajol and Rani.
This post is being posted to remind the few regular readers of this otherwise not-so-worthy blogsite that the blogger is alive. And the last few poetic posts mean nothing! They were composed for the sole purpose of highlighting the author's (yet again) not-so-worthy literary skills.
On a lighter note, some of you might love these definitions which I happened to come across while browsing through yesterday's ET. Can't find the exact article right now, but let me put it in my own words from whatever I remember:
Investors: they got money but have no idea about the market
Brokers: they know all about the market but have got no money
Business Tycoons: they know the market well, and have got money too
Business Journalists: neither do they have money, nor a clue about the market :)
I was teaching yesterday. Physics. Tenth class physics. I was clearing some doubts for the two kids. Their board examination is approaching fast.
One of them had written a test some time back. The test paper had been prepared by his mother. He hadn't answered some questions. He didn't know the answers to them. One of the unanswered questions needed him to describe an experimental method for demonstrating the phenomenon of resonance.
'There are so many mentioned in your book. You should have remembered one of them', I remarked.
He tried to explain. 'Well, I remember real life examples like that of a motorcycle which at times starts vibrating vigorously at some speed when the forced vibration matches it's natural frequency. But I am not sure about an experimental method as such.'
'Of course there are. Let's look into your book'. I opened the chapter on sound, found some experiment, and without bothering to read it, told him, 'Here look, you can quote this experiment to show resonance.' I was pointing to a diagram present in his Physics text-book which was very similar to one that's present below. There were four pendulums, the alternate ones having equal lengths.
I continued, 'so you see, you can use these hanging balls to show resonance. Can't you?'.
Wait a second. What did I just say? Hanging balls? Yep, that was right. I knew it from the way the kids looked at each other and couldn't control their smile. It was embarrassing. And I totally forgot how else to refer to the balls. Hanging balls they were. And hanging balls I called them. I had totally forgotten the existence of this word called 'pendulum'. We were smiling together, somehow holding our laughs.
The doubt followed. It was not too clear to them how resonance was demonstrated here, in this hanging balls experiment.
'You can bring a vibrating tuning fork near one of the balls, and when the frequency of vibration matches the natural frequency of the ball, the ball will start oscillating with increased amplitude. At the same time, the alternate ball which is hanging through a thread of equal length will also start oscillating because for everything else remaining constant, frequency of a ball hanging from a thread depends upon its length. For the same reason, the other two balls won't oscillate with increased amplitude. Their natural frequency is in mismatch with the externally applied frequency. Is it clear to you guys now?'
It was fun! I am happy I had the balls to deliver the explaination in a serious tone, without letting my embarassement show off. :)
Well, this was the bit on hanging balls. The funny bit. The 'lost nail' story however isn't that funny. It is rather a true and painful story of a nail that I lost. Today. It belonged to my right foot hallux which now lies nail-less and bandaged. Two guys accidently jumped over my right foot. And it happened. In fractions of second. No pain. Twisted nail. A cool sensation. But for everything that goes, another pops up to take place. So all I have to do is wait for a new nail to grow up. And it sure will. Lost nail over hanging balls, anytime ;)